In our increasingly fractured society we do agree about one thing: listening is a virtue. But what constitutes listening? How might we do this in a way that demonstrates our Christian convictions and yet communicates our desire to differentiate ourselves from positions that might offend our consciences?
Listening as a skill
Dr Russell helpfully points us to the work of mathematician and psychologist Anatol Rapoport. He suggested that summarising the other’s position enabled discourse to continue and arose out of listening. Rapoport’s aim was to express someone’s speech so aptly that the person being listened to felt that their thoughts were being expressed better than they had articulated them.[1] He encouraged the listener to offer this summary, together with any points of agreement and anything the listener had learned from the person. Rapoport’s aim was to change the emotional texture of the disagreement from a ‘fight’ to a ‘debate’, rather than to provide a solution. “Whether game theory leads to clear-cut solutions, to vague solutions, or to impasses, it does achieve one thing. In bringing techniques of logical and mathematical analysis gives men an opportunity to bring conflicts up from the level of fights, where the intellect is beclouded by passions, to the level of games, where the intellect has a chance to operate.”[2]
‘Active listening’ is used widely today in situations as diverse as hostage negotiations through to sales. It is widely seen as a fairly predictable way of making a connection with another person. It is not just listening that is enough for this, however, but incorporating what the person is saying (their content) with who they are revealing themselves to be. Speaking this back to them so that they recognise themselves and their position is the point at which the connection is achieved.
Listening as a Christian discipline
As Christians, we are free to borrow this technique, though not to use it as a tool to manipulate the person or the conversation. Instead, we use it as a means to make a connection with a stranger who seeks to divide themselves from us and thereby change them into a neighbour whom we are to love and honour.
Listening for a Christian is a discipline that falls naturally out of our relationship with Christ Jesus. It is suitable for a people who have come to understand themselves as fundamentally spiritually inadequate. Conversion requires a repentance that insists we humble ourselves to receive a forgiveness that we neither have earned nor can earn ourselves and indeed, requires God’s own Spirit to so transform our minds as to hear and to accept.[3] This lifelong stance towards God as humble recipients prepares and enables us to love our neighbour.[4] We can listen to our neighbours as fellow image bearers and honour them, even where they may disagree with our core convictions and show hatred towards us. (Matt 5:44, Luke 10:27) By accepting the position of penitent sinner, we are empowered to dismiss our own need to control or ‘win’ the conversation with another human person. Simultaneous with this, we depend on God to grant us the wisdom to perceive truth as we listen, in particular by assessing all we hear by his Word. However, our sense of ourselves as people who have received truth, rather than generated it ourselves, enables us to listen hard and well, be slow to speak and slow to become angry. (James 1:19)
The impact of Jesus’ listening
The example of Jesus himself encourages us to listen to people well.[5] He demonstrated a knowledge of people beyond what could be obtained by listening. Yet, he chose to listen and respond to others’ words and so treat them with dignity as image bearers even despite their need to be reconciled with God. This shows the way forward for us. Of course, Jesus’ commitment to love his neighbour, so fulfilling the law of God whom he loved and served perfectly, is most fully seen in his death on the cross for our sins.[6] This does not make his constant choices to love in more minor but still significant ways any less breathtaking. If we want to love in imitation of him, we need to follow his example of listening well.
How listening matters
The power of listening and of being loved in this way can sometimes be seen in the results. In our polarised society, one of the ways human beings will change is if they are asked, ‘Why do you think this?’ In those moments, where we are called to give an account of why we believe something we will sometimes change the intensity of our belief if we find the depth of our thinking on the issue or our evidence insufficient.[7] As Christians it would be no surprise to us to find that honouring people by listening to them well (and therefore loving them) might result in a strengthening of the relationship. As they treat us as ‘strangers’, we obey Christ and move towards them as ‘neighbours’. (Luke 10:25-37) In order to both calm the situation and to invite a strengthening of the relationship, we can seek to build connections with them through simply listening to them properly.[8]
Listening to someone properly is a valid and good thing to do in and of itself. It can be an expression of our fear of God and desire to live humbly before him. It can demonstrate a commitment to the other person as an image bearer, whom we seek to dignify and love. Listening well does not deny that we have true things to say. It may shape how and whether we say these truths, as we ponder how to love this person before us with our words. Listening may even strengthen the relationship with the other person and enable conversation beyond a single volatile interchange.
This leads to the next question: If, having listened, we have the opportunity to speak in a fierce and difficult conversation, how might we think about doing that well? How might we be clear and manage ourselves well in those moments?
Questions
- What is the difference between good and poor listening? How would you rate yourself as a listener? Can you listen to someone you fiercely disagree with?
- What biblical principles might help us to pay more attention to how we listen to our neighbours? Who do you struggle to listen to? Why is it so difficult?
- Read Luke 10:25-37. How does Jesus challenge our hearts with his words? How might you apply the principles here to learning to listen to others better?
- How does James 1:19 help us to understand some of the challenges we face as we struggle to listen better?
[1] This article is indebted to Dr Carolyn Russell for her time and expertise and part of this section arises out of a conversation on 13thMarch, 2023. Dr Russell helpfully summarised Rapoport’s position in this conversation.
[2] ‘The Use and Misuse of Game Theory’ in Scientific American December, 1962, p114
[3] Westminster Confession of Faith XI.4
[4] This is an outworking of a well-ordered love for God, as the only true ground for well-ordered love of our neighbour (Augustine in Christopher Watkin Biblical Critical Theory (Zondervan Academic: Grand Rapids, Michigan, 2022), p398
[5] Conversation with Dr Russell (13/3/23)
[6] Westminster Confession of Faith VIII.4
[7] Why Facts Don’t Change Our Minds | The New Yorker. (25/6/2023)
[8] Conversation with Dr Russell (13/3/23)